Friday, December 11, 2015
Hex Monroe: The Case of the Curious Case
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Moons Over My Hammy, Fisticuffs and Banishment
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
The good old days?
Shut your whore mouth. I've got a fragile ego and need to keep up the delusion that I am the center of your world.
Do you wear clothes that make you a little more up-to-the-minute than the other women in your set?
Good — provided your taste is reliable and that the clothes suit you. Men may rant about the “crazy hat” but they swell with pride when their lady companions arouse admiring stares.
Men are only concerned with impressing other men with human trophies. Dress smartly and you can marry a man with a yacht!
If you are asked to get another girl for a foursome, do you pick one obviously less attractive than you are?
You are unwise to do so. Get the most glamorous girl you know, and both men will be pleased.
The English language has evolved a bit since 1949.
Do you make a point of building up other women, even those you dislike, in discussing them with a man?
This is sound practice. But don’t put it on so think that it sounds like a line.
Don't talk about other women because you find them interesting or admirable. Talk about them because...I got nothing.
Do men marvel at your capacity for holding liquor?
A great mistake: it gives you a fast reputation and runs into money — the man’s money — besides.
You can't have a couple of drinks without passing out or throwing up on the bar? Whore. Also, what gives you the right to take my money? When I offer to pay I don't mean for every drink!
How many comfortable chairs are there in your living room?
At least two, I hope. No man can fall in love unless he has a chance to relax and he can’t if either of you sits bolt upright.
Easy for you to say. You had it easy back in 1949, before the Chairpocalypse. Before comfortable chairs became the purview of the politicians and and captains of industry and their MegaCorps.
Do you keep men interested by hinting that later — not tonight — you’ll be really demonstrative?
This is a low trick and one that a surprising number of men see through at once. If you kiss a man, it should be for your own pleasure and not to reward him.
I don't think they're really talking about kissing here.
Do you make things easier for a man by suggesting that he climb into a car first, if he’s driving, or by asking him not to stand up when you come into the room?
This is an error — men know that they are supposed to show these signs of consideration to a girl and they respect her more if she takes them as a matter of course.
When a woman I am courting does not allow me to provide her with shallow gestures of affection, I just get so mad!
Do you ever embarrass a man by telling him he’s good-looking or has big muscles or is too, too intelligent?
Try it! Almost any man can stand almost any amount of flattery, however obvious, without embarrassment or surprise.
Both myself and my therapist beg to differ.
Do you knit when you are having a cozy, fireside evening with a man?
For some reason, men hate to see a woman doing anything with her hands when talking to her. Undivided attention is best.
I don't even know where to start. Knitting? Fireside evening? It's like whoever wrote this was staring at a Norman Rockwell painting. And was drunk. Also, can the guy do something with his hands while the woman is talking? WINK.
Do you either play bridge or dance really well?
If not, take steps to correct this at once. You’re better off if you do both well, but one talent is mandatory.
At. Fucking. Once. MANDATORY.
Are you so beautifully groomed that you make an average man feel like a lout when he takes you out?
Fine. Men are extremely critical of any imperfection in a girl’s neatness. If he feels like a lout once, the average escort will take pains to be better-dressed himself the next time.
Great. Now women know that we think of naught but their appearance. Ever vigilant to find imperfections. Guys, we're gonna have to switch to plan B and start attacking their intellect. Spread the word.
Do you, when you have first met a really attractive man, clinch your future acquaintance by some polite variation of “Come up and see me sometime”?
It often helps out on the occasions when the man is too shy to make the first advance himself.
As a cripplingly shy person, coming up to me and saying, "Wanna drop by my place and fuck me sometime?" would have decidedly mixed results.
Do you keep your friendships warm by chatty calls to your men friends at their offices?
This is fatal.
I concur. Boo adultery!
Do you use artificial conversation gambits like “What movie would you choose if you had to see it every week for a year?” to start talk with a shy dinner partner?
A very good plan — someone has to start the conversation and a question like this can keep it rolling for quite awhile.
Hang on. Women can start conversations? Well, fuck me running.
A grave mistake. Bores have their uses since a clever girl can practice her conversation on them, with nothing much to lose. Besides, they often have attractive friends.
Yes please. If you are not interested in me, if you could lead me on so you can become a better public speaker, and insinuate yourself in my life so much that you meet my attractive friends and then hit on them, I will love you forever.
Do you suffer from indecision when ordering dinner or drinks in a restaurant with a man?
This maddens them — learn to make up your mind rapidly.
Thank God I have never been indecisive over a trivial matter a single day in my life. Silly women.
Do you use the continental approach, based on the belief that an immediate pass flatters a woman?
This is the average man’s greatest mistake. If a pass, on first acquaintance, doesn’t insult a girl it at least bores her.
How do I know if I've been using the continental approach if you won't tell me what it is? What the hell was a "pass" in 1949? Did it involve mutual masturbation or soy sauce? Both?
Do you show your real fondness for a girl by telling her about her bad points and advising her how to improve them?
This is again an error. If you must tell her you hate her perfume or how she does her hair, wrap it up in heavy sugar coating.
Oh! Now I get it. This is an elaborate joke!
Do you show your devotion to a woman by holding her hand or putting your arm around her when her friends are present?
Please don’t. Even a girl who is affectionate in private dislikes public mauling.
This is hardly a public mauling. Just...trust me on this one.
Can you describe the dress or hat worn by the last two girls you took out?
If not, notice and comment on the next few. Women appreciate having men notice the efforts they make over their appearance.
The last two women I took out wore neither hats nor dresses so I think I'm good on the noticing thing. Thanks though.
If a man has to get drunk, he’ll be more attractive if he restricts this behavior to stag company.
Do you sometimes take a girl out on parties of four or more, as a change from twosomes?
A good idea. A girl may feel hurt if you never ask her to meet your other friends.
I don't think they are talking about what I think they are talking about. Then again, they didn't have the internet back then.
Do you make distinctions between the jokes you’d tell a man in the club and those you’d tell a girl in a parked automobile?
Almost no women like bathroom jokes or jokes with dirty words.
So...I can't tell jokes to women if I'm not in a parked car? This just made my "game" a great deal more difficult to execute.
Do you tell a woman she’s beautiful, even if she isn’t?
This habit hurts nobody and makes a lot of girls happier.
I'm glad the person who wrote this is dead.
Do you ask an attractive girl — who is probably busy most evenings — to call you up sometime when she’s free?
Don’t do this: you may always ask a popular girl far enough ahead of time to find a free evening.
Wait, what?
Do you plan your evenings with a woman ahead of time or leave the choice of amusement up to her?
It’s much more flattering for a man to announce the evening’s program, showing he has given thought to her amusement.
I know what you like better than you. I hope you know how to play bridge!
Do you believe it necessary in the modern age to push in a girl’s chair for her and to light her cigarettes?
These small courtesies mean a lot to a girl.
Sure. Modern age. I must admit I have a weird compulsion to light a woman's cigarette. Unless I am in danger of lighting their hair on fire. That tends to ruin dates pretty quickly.
Do you ever tell a girl you love her, under the spell of the moment, when you suspect that you won’t tomorrow?
This is a dirty trick and if you do, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Moreover, the word will soon get around to other women.
Whatever you do, do not do anything that will lead to women knowing you're an asshole. Telling them you love them when you know you don't is totes the lesser crime though.
How many times a week do you shave?
Once a day is minimum, if you care what women think of you.
Well. I'm fucked.
Would you dine a girl expensively and not buy her flowers, or economize on the place and bring her at least a gardenia?
Most women would prefer having flowers and less to eat.
Hear that, fatty? Also, how fucking expensive was a gardenia in 1949!?
If your hostess at a dance is obviously having a whirl, do you consider it necessary to dance with her?
You always should, as a matter of good manners.
Fuck that noise. This monkey don't dance.
Do you try to arouse a girl’s interest by boasting of your success with other women?
Don’t ever do this!
"So, there I am, plowing Christina Hendricks and...Hey! Where are you going? Why does that always happen to me? She's probably a lesbian."
Do you consider it a young girl’s own business whether she gets tight and is indiscreet when she’s out with you?
Keep an inexperienced girl from getting tight, if you have to spank her, and don’t let any woman become indiscreet through liquor. Triumphs over drunken women don’t help any man.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to explain to the authorities that you assaulted your date in order to prevent her from being drunkenly "indiscreet"?
If a girl you’re fond of asks you to be nice to her cousin with adenoids and buck teeth do you cut her off your list?
Not pleasant, but if you rally around and give Cousin Belle a whirl, you’ll soon be known as the nicest man in town.
"Adenoids" and "buck teeth" is suspiciously specific. Is there something you would like to get off your chest author?
If you had a quarrel with a girl — in which she is clearly in the wrong — will you wait for her to apologize before calling her up or risk being a door mat and do it first?
Be a door mat — it’s easier for you to call a girl than for her to call you.
Depends. Did the quarrel come about because she was tight? WINK.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Antisocial Network
So Facebook wants to know what's on my mind. I'm pretty sure that's a disingenuous question. Sure, everybody loves my photos of the delicious, ten dollar grilled cheese sandwich I had for lunch, and the link to the cute dog in a Santa hat that I posted, but what's really on my mind? I suspect not. Does it want to know what's on my mind when I wake up at three in the morning with a knot in my gut like a monkey fist? Does it want to know why I almost had to flee my company Christmas party? Does it want to know why, sometimes, I just sit in the dark and think about the scars left by knife wounds of regret?
I don't think so. There are things which are best left unsaid. We all have stories we will never tell, and with good reason. The real trouble begins when we start to think too much about who we will tell what. Who gets what secrets, and what secrets do we take to the grave. Should we take any secrets to the grave? Who are we hurting if we do? Who are we hurting if we don't?
We all want to talk. Sometimes we want to yell, to be heard and understood. Who do we want to be heard by? Who do we care about. Maybe it's just easier to let it go. To tell Facebook that you love mashed potatoes as opposed to the woman whose hand you are holding. That the new CD by your favorite band is amazing and the fact that you were able to get out of bed in the morning isn't.
There are so many things Facebook will never know.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
12/12/12
Ran into Barron Von Terror while getting my morning cup of joe at Grind Buds on Haight. He got a latte with no foam (WTF man?) and commented that it was fine weather for dirigibles. I am suspicious.
12/12/12: 10:37am
Got a text from Dr. Atomic inviting me to his Christmas party. Sometimes I feel like he only invites me to these things because I always bring a nice bottle of Scotch. And that one time I saved his life at the Battle of the Somme. Googled dirigibles.
12/12/12, 12:22pm
Got an email from agent Fox asking me if I could lend a hand with the situation on Mt. Lava Island. Had to remind him that it’s EOQ and I’m slammed. He apologized and said he totally understood. He’s an OK guy. So, turns out that dirigibles are just blimps. What a pretentious asshole.
12/12/212, 1:14pm
Went to the bookstore to pick up a copy of DeLillo's new book, Cassius Clay on Dinosaur Island. Hope he's finally figured out how to end a novel. Who the fuck buys a blimp?
12/12/12, 2:19pm
Thank god for Facebook! I totally forgot it was Patriot Lad's birthday. He's not a lad anymore so I suppose I should stop calling him that. It's just so hard to think of him as anything other than the scrappy young go-getter who helped me defend the world from villainy. Still not sure why he moved to San Francisco though. Probably wanted to get some distance between himself and The League of Justice Hero's after "the incident" with Hypno-Clown. What the hell is good blimp weather anyway? A lack of other blimps so as to render blimp related accidents an impossibility?
12/12/12, 3:12
I quit quitting smoking. I'm not even sure why I stopped in the first place, it's not like it's going to kill me. The doctors called it a "happy accident". I remember once eating some rotten food to see what would happen. Nada. Where the hell do you get a blimp license anyway?
12/12/12, 4:20pm
Decided to ditch work early and hit happy hour at the Golden Horseshoe. Jack is working which makes the end of my day even better. He's a nice guy and makes for good conversation. Also, he buys me a drink every now and then. I wonder if Terror's blimp has a wet bar.
12/12/12, 6:16
Jack told me that his greatest fear is growing old and becoming irrelevant. I told him I knew the feeling. I didn't tell him that I have been irrelevant since the invention of the atomic bomb. Who needs somebody who is stronger and faster than anybody else when you can remove a city without even seeing it?
They try and throw me missions every now and then, but we both know it's just a pity job. I'm nothing but a man to humor as he tries to push his way through a life that is going to last too long. A life that will see people grow old as I stay a picture of youth. I have done my best to accept it. To be the opposite of Baron Von Terror, an impossibly old man that has nothing left but blimps, steam powered exoskeleton's and a hope that the world has not changed.
I can hear sirens now, and what I imagine is the low hum of dirigible engines. I order another drink.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Thimble
There's a needle in my chest, which points to my heart. Every time it beats, it approaches the the tip of the needle, just avoiding it each time by the slimmest of margins. I imagine the cartoonish "POP" sound it will make on the day my luck runs out. It makes me feel les anxious each time my ventricles open and close? I don't know, it's hard to tell.
Sometimes I wonder what will happen when the wall of my heart reaches the event horizon. Will my heart fly around the inside of my chest in keeping with the cartoon theme, releasing its lifetime of blood? Maybe something else will come out? An ichor which has been building over a lifetime, pushing at the walls of my heart since my life began perhaps? Maybe it will be emotions tangible. Feelings made manifest will fill me until I burst. A pinata of joy, hope, despair, longing and love. I don't know, it's hard to tell.
What does it matter? That I have a heart? That I have a needle? Neither has served me well as I slip through the cracks of this world. Then again I suppose it's better than nothing. Or maybe not. Every time I push through one layer there's another waiting for me. Every day is a day where expectations are adjusted. There must, of course, be a moment where all the layers are gone and I can finally rest right? I don't know, it's hard to tell.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Killing a man just to watch him die.
For awhile now, in an effort to entertain myself, and continue to be able to pretend I am a "writer", I have been posting supper short short micro stories on my books of face. Because I am lazy, some time ago I decided to pick a single name to always use for my male and female protagonists. As an unintended side effect most people assumed that I was writing an ongoing narrative. Some sort of story in stages. That wasn't the case, but I decided not to disabuse anybody of that notion.
A few weeks ago I found myself thinking of my male protagonist as though he was, you know, a real person. Thinking about where he was going. So it was I found myself talking to a friend of mine over drinks who happens to be one of the few who followed my scribblings and found myself telling her that I thought it was time my male protagonist got himself a drug problem.
"Maybe," I mused "It's time to kill him off."
"You totally should," She said. "It would fit in with the overall dark story you have been telling."
With that I knew it was time for Malcolm to die. I quickly decided that it was going to be suicide and on Wednesday began laying the ground work. By Friday he would be gone. I was surprised to find that I was kind of excited by his imminent death. It felt like the right, though oddly sad thing to do. Friday morning I was at work, writing the final scene in my head when I realized I couldn't do suicide. The reasons are complex and not for this blog, but I found I had painted myself into a corner. I won't lie. I panicked.
There was only one thing to do. Go to a bar after work and drink my way to an answer. Whiskey, thankfully, brought inspiration. As I began to write Malcolm's demise I began to feel bad for him. His time had come, and yet I wondered if there was an out. Maybe he could find salvation at the last moment? I was writing out the scene where he had been struck by a car before I knew it and realized that was that.
Malcolm was a good guy who just got a bad lot in life. I'm gonna miss him.