Rocking in the free world has been shown to decrease the chances of heart attack and stoke.
When rocking in the free world, be sure to keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.
There will be no refreshments served.
When continuing to rock in the free world, be sure to remember that every day thousands of children all over the world are too poor to enjoy even a few moments of rocking. Give generously won't you?
Rocking in the free world was one of the pillars of William Henry Harrison's presidential campaign. Less than a month after taking office he died of pneumonia. I'm just sayin'.
Rocking in the free world once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
Rocking in the free world's greatest fear is the rise of both popping and locking.
Please keep all trays in their upright and locked position.
Rocking in the free world likes talking behind your back -- Telling stories about how you got drunk that one time at Billy Freedman's place, and tried putting the moves on Janice Mortenson but just ended up vomiting all over her. Nice going Casanova.
Rocking in the free world loves it's job, but secretly dreams of becoming a cheesemonger.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
11 Short Stories
1) He really loved his new corduroy pants. That's probably why he stole them in the first place.
2) Thomas always wondered what it would be like to have Syphilis. One day he found out.
3) All she ever really wanted was to be happy. One day she was.
4) When Millford's cat died he wasn't too upset. After all, he'd already been dead for three years.
5) The deadline came and went without anyone noticing. Three months later the town's Mayor won the prize for the largest pumpkin in Douglas county.
6) He was only 15 when his mom died, but it happened in such a bizarre way that he never really felt that bad about it.
7) "Die, die, die!", he screamed at the game store cashier.
8) She had a poor grasp of the meaning of irony which, given her job as a professor of English, was quite ironic.
9) He took flying lessons for six months before he realized he was always going to need the plane.
10) He used to rant for hours about the tyranny of American Democracy until somebody pointed out that America is a Republic.
11) Once a year, on July 15th, he would call her up drunk in the middle of the night. All he ever did though was talk about the RedSox.
2) Thomas always wondered what it would be like to have Syphilis. One day he found out.
3) All she ever really wanted was to be happy. One day she was.
4) When Millford's cat died he wasn't too upset. After all, he'd already been dead for three years.
5) The deadline came and went without anyone noticing. Three months later the town's Mayor won the prize for the largest pumpkin in Douglas county.
6) He was only 15 when his mom died, but it happened in such a bizarre way that he never really felt that bad about it.
7) "Die, die, die!", he screamed at the game store cashier.
8) She had a poor grasp of the meaning of irony which, given her job as a professor of English, was quite ironic.
9) He took flying lessons for six months before he realized he was always going to need the plane.
10) He used to rant for hours about the tyranny of American Democracy until somebody pointed out that America is a Republic.
11) Once a year, on July 15th, he would call her up drunk in the middle of the night. All he ever did though was talk about the RedSox.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Sausage
Cast of Characters
Sausage -- The local constabulary
Potato Hash -- Unemployed day laborer
Vaguely Meat -- Kind-hearted drifter
Act The First
Exterior -- Sausage approaches Potato Hash and Vaguely Meat.
Sausage: I'm afraid I'm going have to ask you two to move along. You know we have strict codes about loitering around here.
Vaguely Meat: We're not loitering, we're waiting.
Sausage: For what?
Potato Hash: To be eaten.
Vaguely Meat: Yes. Consumed.
Sausage: That's...That's disgusting! Besides, who in their right mind would want to eat an unemployed day laborer and a kind-hearted drifter?
Potato Hash: We're not sure.
Vaguely Meat: But somebody must.
Potato Hash and Vaguely Meat in unison: It's why we're here.
Sausage: How can you say you're here to be eaten when you don't even know who, or what, is going to eat you?
Potato Hash: I'll admit that's a good question. It's one I've been thinking about a lot since we got here, and I believe I finally figured it out. You see, this is where the eating will happen, so if we're here then we must be here to be eaten.
Sausage: That doesn't make any sense at all.
Vaguely Meat: Seems quite reasonable if you ask me.
Sausage: I didn't ask you! The both of you are insufferable. I should do the world a favor and run you in for vagrancy.
Vaguely Meat: I can't deny that it is your right, or rather duty, to enforce the laws of this plate, but if you were to do that who would eat us? What would that which is supposed to eat us, but is suddenly unable to do so, do having not eaten their destiny?
Potato Hash: You'll have to excuse my friend. He has a distinct leaning towards philosophical drama. We're simply two consumables with jobs to do. Now, are you asking us to shirk that duty?
Sausage: Well, uh, I guess not. I mean, that wouldn't be very civic minded of me I suppose.
Potato Hash: So here we sit. Awaiting our own fate, not harming anybody. Surely you're curiosity has been satisfied and we may stay?
Vaguely Meat: How could he not let us stay?
Sausage: Well. I guess. Though I'm still unsure of this supposed consumer you are so certain of.
Potato Hash: If you would feel more comfortable waiting with us, we would certainly enjoy having your company.
Vaguely Meat: Indeed! Stay awhile and I'm sure your fears will be allayed!
Sausage (with some trepidation): Yes. Perhaps you are right. I'll stay, but only for a short while mind you.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Bitches and Hoes
Welcome friends! Welcome to the unique site for unique people. That's right, I'm talking to you Mr. and Mrs. On-the-go! We all know that life moves at the speed of fast these days, and we all realize that sacrifices need to be made to keep up. Fortunately, the progress which steals our time like a thief in the mid to late afternoon also provides us with opportunities to shuttle those pesky burdens off our shoulders and on to somebody else's. Nannies for your precious little bastard children! Stand in mourners to take your place at the funeral of that Aunt of yours that you didn't really like that much anyway!
And yet there are still gaps in the system. Gaps which waste your time and take you away from vital pursuits such as stamp collecting, and cocaine.
Ask yourself this -- How many times have you wistfully recalled the halcyon days when you were able to breed your favorite dogs. Not that long ago? Then whenever did you find the time to properly maintain your lush garden which was once the envy of all your neighbors? I'll bet your dog kennel is frightfully empty and devoid of all cuddly life. Your garden devoid of any kind edible joy. This is why we founded Bitches and Hoes(tm), company that does the dirty work for you!
When you employ the services of Bitches and Hoes(tm) you will receive a service which surpasses all expectations. Our highly trained professionals will come to your home at the convenient time of your choosing and take care of all your breeding and landscaping needs.
Still not convinced! For a limited time only, if you call now you can receive half price off our already low gardening fees, or two for one bitch insemination. This is your chance to get in on the ground floor of America's next big thing -- If you don't act today, you will kick yourself tomorrow!
And yet there are still gaps in the system. Gaps which waste your time and take you away from vital pursuits such as stamp collecting, and cocaine.
Ask yourself this -- How many times have you wistfully recalled the halcyon days when you were able to breed your favorite dogs. Not that long ago? Then whenever did you find the time to properly maintain your lush garden which was once the envy of all your neighbors? I'll bet your dog kennel is frightfully empty and devoid of all cuddly life. Your garden devoid of any kind edible joy. This is why we founded Bitches and Hoes(tm), company that does the dirty work for you!
When you employ the services of Bitches and Hoes(tm) you will receive a service which surpasses all expectations. Our highly trained professionals will come to your home at the convenient time of your choosing and take care of all your breeding and landscaping needs.
Still not convinced! For a limited time only, if you call now you can receive half price off our already low gardening fees, or two for one bitch insemination. This is your chance to get in on the ground floor of America's next big thing -- If you don't act today, you will kick yourself tomorrow!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Money in the Bank
My bank used to be regional, now it's global. Not because their plan for world domination via hammers and burlap sacks worked, but because they got bought by another (big-ass) bank. I should have known that they were gonna be freaking me out by the way I found out about the takeover. You see, nobody actually told me (the customer) that this was going on. I just walked into the bank one day and there was a plain sign in the lobby more or less saying that old bank is now new bank, the management is totally stoked about this and they think you're really going to enjoy having their grubby hands fondling your money from now on.
Between that and the tiny signs posted everywhere that said, when you see "old bank's name" it really is "new bank's name" I was really kind of disoriented. I mean, how Orwellian is that? What you think you know isn't what you know at all because the truth is merely the perception of what we've been thinking all along. Other than that though everything stayed the same, so my nervousness didn't last too long. Until that fateful day.
I go to use the ATM the other day and it seems as though new bank has changed the program. "Gee" I think "This'll be fun!". Except it isn't fun, it's horrifying. They've anthropomorphized their fucking ATMs! Right off the bat it wants me to insert my card so "we" can begin. Who's we? It's me and an ATM machine for Christ's sake. Unless they've replaced the interior of the ATM with a midget who has access to the bank vault...THERE IS NO WE!
It was pretty much downhill after that. It kept saying things like, "Which transaction can I help you with.", and "Hold on, I'm working.". I couldn't get done with that transaction fast enough. I can understand why one would maybe want to do something like this with brand new technology (like dressing up a vacuum to look like a porn star) but everybody knows how ATMs work. I mean, I've been to a lot of ATMs in my day and I have yet to see a person looking at one with a mixture of fear and bewilderment and saying things like, "you mean that little box just gives you money?" or "That machine stole my soul!". And that's the part that creeps me out really. This dumb-shit bank just found a way to make one of the most ubiquitous machines in the world feel like some sort of 1960's space-age wonder box.
Fuckers.
Between that and the tiny signs posted everywhere that said, when you see "old bank's name" it really is "new bank's name" I was really kind of disoriented. I mean, how Orwellian is that? What you think you know isn't what you know at all because the truth is merely the perception of what we've been thinking all along. Other than that though everything stayed the same, so my nervousness didn't last too long. Until that fateful day.
I go to use the ATM the other day and it seems as though new bank has changed the program. "Gee" I think "This'll be fun!". Except it isn't fun, it's horrifying. They've anthropomorphized their fucking ATMs! Right off the bat it wants me to insert my card so "we" can begin. Who's we? It's me and an ATM machine for Christ's sake. Unless they've replaced the interior of the ATM with a midget who has access to the bank vault...THERE IS NO WE!
It was pretty much downhill after that. It kept saying things like, "Which transaction can I help you with.", and "Hold on, I'm working.". I couldn't get done with that transaction fast enough. I can understand why one would maybe want to do something like this with brand new technology (like dressing up a vacuum to look like a porn star) but everybody knows how ATMs work. I mean, I've been to a lot of ATMs in my day and I have yet to see a person looking at one with a mixture of fear and bewilderment and saying things like, "you mean that little box just gives you money?" or "That machine stole my soul!". And that's the part that creeps me out really. This dumb-shit bank just found a way to make one of the most ubiquitous machines in the world feel like some sort of 1960's space-age wonder box.
Fuckers.
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