My super awesome unicorn best friend Jen Foo, posted a link to
an excerpt from a book which Esquire published on 1949 regarding how
to be the perfect hostess. The bit they put up regards dating advice for men
and women. I couldn't help but comment.
Do you bring the names of other men into the conversation to
give yourself a sought-after appearance?
Don’t. This may give a man a sense of inferiority — he is
uncomfortable with you, and soon drifts away to someone else. It may make him
wonder how much talking you do about him.
Shut your whore mouth. I've got a fragile ego and need to keep up the delusion that I am the center of your world.
Do you wear clothes that make you a little more up-to-the-minute than the other women in your set?
Good — provided your taste is reliable and that the clothes suit you. Men may rant about the “crazy hat” but they swell with pride when their lady companions arouse admiring stares.
Men are only concerned with impressing other men with human trophies. Dress smartly and you can marry a man with a yacht!
If you are asked to get another girl for a foursome, do you pick one obviously less attractive than you are?
You are unwise to do so. Get the most glamorous girl you know, and both men will be pleased.
The English language has evolved a bit since 1949.
Do you make a point of building up other women, even those you dislike, in discussing them with a man?
This is sound practice. But don’t put it on so think that it sounds like a line.
Don't talk about other women because you find them interesting or admirable. Talk about them because...I got nothing.
Do men marvel at your capacity for holding liquor?
A great mistake: it gives you a fast reputation and runs into money — the man’s money — besides.
You can't have a couple of drinks without passing out or throwing up on the bar? Whore. Also, what gives you the right to take my money? When I offer to pay I don't mean for every drink!
How many comfortable chairs are there in your living room?
At least two, I hope. No man can fall in love unless he has a chance to relax and he can’t if either of you sits bolt upright.
Easy for you to say. You had it easy back in 1949, before the Chairpocalypse. Before comfortable chairs became the purview of the politicians and and captains of industry and their MegaCorps.
Do you keep men interested by hinting that later — not tonight — you’ll be really demonstrative?
This is a low trick and one that a surprising number of men see through at once. If you kiss a man, it should be for your own pleasure and not to reward him.
I don't think they're really talking about kissing here.
Do you make things easier for a man by suggesting that he climb into a car first, if he’s driving, or by asking him not to stand up when you come into the room?
This is an error — men know that they are supposed to show these signs of consideration to a girl and they respect her more if she takes them as a matter of course.
When a woman I am courting does not allow me to provide her with shallow gestures of affection, I just get so mad!
Do you ever embarrass a man by telling him he’s good-looking or has big muscles or is too, too intelligent?
Try it! Almost any man can stand almost any amount of flattery, however obvious, without embarrassment or surprise.
Both myself and my therapist beg to differ.
Do you knit when you are having a cozy, fireside evening with a man?
For some reason, men hate to see a woman doing anything with her hands when talking to her. Undivided attention is best.
I don't even know where to start. Knitting? Fireside evening? It's like whoever wrote this was staring at a Norman Rockwell painting. And was drunk. Also, can the guy do something with his hands while the woman is talking? WINK.
Do you either play bridge or dance really well?
If not, take steps to correct this at once. You’re better off if you do both well, but one talent is mandatory.
At. Fucking. Once. MANDATORY.
Are you so beautifully groomed that you make an average man feel like a lout when he takes you out?
Fine. Men are extremely critical of any imperfection in a girl’s neatness. If he feels like a lout once, the average escort will take pains to be better-dressed himself the next time.
Great. Now women know that we think of naught but their appearance. Ever vigilant to find imperfections. Guys, we're gonna have to switch to plan B and start attacking their intellect. Spread the word.
Do you, when you have first met a really attractive man, clinch your future acquaintance by some polite variation of “Come up and see me sometime”?
It often helps out on the occasions when the man is too shy to make the first advance himself.
As a cripplingly shy person, coming up to me and saying, "Wanna drop by my place and fuck me sometime?" would have decidedly mixed results.
Do you keep your friendships warm by chatty calls to your men friends at their offices?
This is fatal.
I concur. Boo adultery!
Do you use artificial conversation gambits like “What movie would you choose if you had to see it every week for a year?” to start talk with a shy dinner partner?
A very good plan — someone has to start the conversation and a question like this can keep it rolling for quite awhile.
Hang on. Women can start conversations? Well, fuck me running.
Shut your whore mouth. I've got a fragile ego and need to keep up the delusion that I am the center of your world.
Do you wear clothes that make you a little more up-to-the-minute than the other women in your set?
Good — provided your taste is reliable and that the clothes suit you. Men may rant about the “crazy hat” but they swell with pride when their lady companions arouse admiring stares.
Men are only concerned with impressing other men with human trophies. Dress smartly and you can marry a man with a yacht!
If you are asked to get another girl for a foursome, do you pick one obviously less attractive than you are?
You are unwise to do so. Get the most glamorous girl you know, and both men will be pleased.
The English language has evolved a bit since 1949.
Do you make a point of building up other women, even those you dislike, in discussing them with a man?
This is sound practice. But don’t put it on so think that it sounds like a line.
Don't talk about other women because you find them interesting or admirable. Talk about them because...I got nothing.
Do men marvel at your capacity for holding liquor?
A great mistake: it gives you a fast reputation and runs into money — the man’s money — besides.
You can't have a couple of drinks without passing out or throwing up on the bar? Whore. Also, what gives you the right to take my money? When I offer to pay I don't mean for every drink!
How many comfortable chairs are there in your living room?
At least two, I hope. No man can fall in love unless he has a chance to relax and he can’t if either of you sits bolt upright.
Easy for you to say. You had it easy back in 1949, before the Chairpocalypse. Before comfortable chairs became the purview of the politicians and and captains of industry and their MegaCorps.
Do you keep men interested by hinting that later — not tonight — you’ll be really demonstrative?
This is a low trick and one that a surprising number of men see through at once. If you kiss a man, it should be for your own pleasure and not to reward him.
I don't think they're really talking about kissing here.
Do you make things easier for a man by suggesting that he climb into a car first, if he’s driving, or by asking him not to stand up when you come into the room?
This is an error — men know that they are supposed to show these signs of consideration to a girl and they respect her more if she takes them as a matter of course.
When a woman I am courting does not allow me to provide her with shallow gestures of affection, I just get so mad!
Do you ever embarrass a man by telling him he’s good-looking or has big muscles or is too, too intelligent?
Try it! Almost any man can stand almost any amount of flattery, however obvious, without embarrassment or surprise.
Both myself and my therapist beg to differ.
Do you knit when you are having a cozy, fireside evening with a man?
For some reason, men hate to see a woman doing anything with her hands when talking to her. Undivided attention is best.
I don't even know where to start. Knitting? Fireside evening? It's like whoever wrote this was staring at a Norman Rockwell painting. And was drunk. Also, can the guy do something with his hands while the woman is talking? WINK.
Do you either play bridge or dance really well?
If not, take steps to correct this at once. You’re better off if you do both well, but one talent is mandatory.
At. Fucking. Once. MANDATORY.
Are you so beautifully groomed that you make an average man feel like a lout when he takes you out?
Fine. Men are extremely critical of any imperfection in a girl’s neatness. If he feels like a lout once, the average escort will take pains to be better-dressed himself the next time.
Great. Now women know that we think of naught but their appearance. Ever vigilant to find imperfections. Guys, we're gonna have to switch to plan B and start attacking their intellect. Spread the word.
Do you, when you have first met a really attractive man, clinch your future acquaintance by some polite variation of “Come up and see me sometime”?
It often helps out on the occasions when the man is too shy to make the first advance himself.
As a cripplingly shy person, coming up to me and saying, "Wanna drop by my place and fuck me sometime?" would have decidedly mixed results.
Do you keep your friendships warm by chatty calls to your men friends at their offices?
This is fatal.
I concur. Boo adultery!
Do you use artificial conversation gambits like “What movie would you choose if you had to see it every week for a year?” to start talk with a shy dinner partner?
A very good plan — someone has to start the conversation and a question like this can keep it rolling for quite awhile.
Hang on. Women can start conversations? Well, fuck me running.
Do you save yourself wear and tear by not troubling to entertain men bores?
A grave mistake. Bores have their uses since a clever girl can practice her conversation on them, with nothing much to lose. Besides, they often have attractive friends.
A grave mistake. Bores have their uses since a clever girl can practice her conversation on them, with nothing much to lose. Besides, they often have attractive friends.
Yes please. If you are not interested in me, if you could lead me on so you can become a better public speaker, and insinuate yourself in my life so much that you meet my attractive friends and then hit on them, I will love you forever.
Do you suffer from indecision when ordering dinner or drinks in a restaurant with a man?
This maddens them — learn to make up your mind rapidly.
Thank God I have never been indecisive over a trivial matter a single day in my life. Silly women.
Do you use the continental approach, based on the belief that an immediate pass flatters a woman?
This is the average man’s greatest mistake. If a pass, on first acquaintance, doesn’t insult a girl it at least bores her.
How do I know if I've been using the continental approach if you won't tell me what it is? What the hell was a "pass" in 1949? Did it involve mutual masturbation or soy sauce? Both?
Do you show your real fondness for a girl by telling her about her bad points and advising her how to improve them?
This is again an error. If you must tell her you hate her perfume or how she does her hair, wrap it up in heavy sugar coating.
Oh! Now I get it. This is an elaborate joke!
Do you show your devotion to a woman by holding her hand or putting your arm around her when her friends are present?
Please don’t. Even a girl who is affectionate in private dislikes public mauling.
This is hardly a public mauling. Just...trust me on this one.
Can you describe the dress or hat worn by the last two girls you took out?
If not, notice and comment on the next few. Women appreciate having men notice the efforts they make over their appearance.
The last two women I took out wore neither hats nor dresses so I think I'm good on the noticing thing. Thanks though.
Do you have a double code about drunkenness for men and women when they are
together?
If a man has to get drunk, he’ll be more attractive if he restricts this behavior to stag company.
If a man has to get drunk, he’ll be more attractive if he restricts this behavior to stag company.
Well, they got me on this one. Well played, Esquire. Well played,
Do you sometimes take a girl out on parties of four or more, as a change from twosomes?
A good idea. A girl may feel hurt if you never ask her to meet your other friends.
I don't think they are talking about what I think they are talking about. Then again, they didn't have the internet back then.
Do you make distinctions between the jokes you’d tell a man in the club and those you’d tell a girl in a parked automobile?
Almost no women like bathroom jokes or jokes with dirty words.
So...I can't tell jokes to women if I'm not in a parked car? This just made my "game" a great deal more difficult to execute.
Do you tell a woman she’s beautiful, even if she isn’t?
This habit hurts nobody and makes a lot of girls happier.
I'm glad the person who wrote this is dead.
Do you ask an attractive girl — who is probably busy most evenings — to call you up sometime when she’s free?
Don’t do this: you may always ask a popular girl far enough ahead of time to find a free evening.
Wait, what?
Do you plan your evenings with a woman ahead of time or leave the choice of amusement up to her?
It’s much more flattering for a man to announce the evening’s program, showing he has given thought to her amusement.
I know what you like better than you. I hope you know how to play bridge!
Do you believe it necessary in the modern age to push in a girl’s chair for her and to light her cigarettes?
These small courtesies mean a lot to a girl.
Sure. Modern age. I must admit I have a weird compulsion to light a woman's cigarette. Unless I am in danger of lighting their hair on fire. That tends to ruin dates pretty quickly.
Do you ever tell a girl you love her, under the spell of the moment, when you suspect that you won’t tomorrow?
This is a dirty trick and if you do, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Moreover, the word will soon get around to other women.
Whatever you do, do not do anything that will lead to women knowing you're an asshole. Telling them you love them when you know you don't is totes the lesser crime though.
How many times a week do you shave?
Once a day is minimum, if you care what women think of you.
Well. I'm fucked.
Would you dine a girl expensively and not buy her flowers, or economize on the place and bring her at least a gardenia?
Most women would prefer having flowers and less to eat.
Hear that, fatty? Also, how fucking expensive was a gardenia in 1949!?
If your hostess at a dance is obviously having a whirl, do you consider it necessary to dance with her?
You always should, as a matter of good manners.
Fuck that noise. This monkey don't dance.
Do you try to arouse a girl’s interest by boasting of your success with other women?
Don’t ever do this!
"So, there I am, plowing Christina Hendricks and...Hey! Where are you going? Why does that always happen to me? She's probably a lesbian."
Do you consider it a young girl’s own business whether she gets tight and is indiscreet when she’s out with you?
Keep an inexperienced girl from getting tight, if you have to spank her, and don’t let any woman become indiscreet through liquor. Triumphs over drunken women don’t help any man.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to explain to the authorities that you assaulted your date in order to prevent her from being drunkenly "indiscreet"?
If a girl you’re fond of asks you to be nice to her cousin with adenoids and buck teeth do you cut her off your list?
Not pleasant, but if you rally around and give Cousin Belle a whirl, you’ll soon be known as the nicest man in town.
"Adenoids" and "buck teeth" is suspiciously specific. Is there something you would like to get off your chest author?
If you had a quarrel with a girl — in which she is clearly in the wrong — will you wait for her to apologize before calling her up or risk being a door mat and do it first?
Be a door mat — it’s easier for you to call a girl than for her to call you.
Depends. Did the quarrel come about because she was tight? WINK.
Do you sometimes take a girl out on parties of four or more, as a change from twosomes?
A good idea. A girl may feel hurt if you never ask her to meet your other friends.
I don't think they are talking about what I think they are talking about. Then again, they didn't have the internet back then.
Do you make distinctions between the jokes you’d tell a man in the club and those you’d tell a girl in a parked automobile?
Almost no women like bathroom jokes or jokes with dirty words.
So...I can't tell jokes to women if I'm not in a parked car? This just made my "game" a great deal more difficult to execute.
Do you tell a woman she’s beautiful, even if she isn’t?
This habit hurts nobody and makes a lot of girls happier.
I'm glad the person who wrote this is dead.
Do you ask an attractive girl — who is probably busy most evenings — to call you up sometime when she’s free?
Don’t do this: you may always ask a popular girl far enough ahead of time to find a free evening.
Wait, what?
Do you plan your evenings with a woman ahead of time or leave the choice of amusement up to her?
It’s much more flattering for a man to announce the evening’s program, showing he has given thought to her amusement.
I know what you like better than you. I hope you know how to play bridge!
Do you believe it necessary in the modern age to push in a girl’s chair for her and to light her cigarettes?
These small courtesies mean a lot to a girl.
Sure. Modern age. I must admit I have a weird compulsion to light a woman's cigarette. Unless I am in danger of lighting their hair on fire. That tends to ruin dates pretty quickly.
Do you ever tell a girl you love her, under the spell of the moment, when you suspect that you won’t tomorrow?
This is a dirty trick and if you do, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Moreover, the word will soon get around to other women.
Whatever you do, do not do anything that will lead to women knowing you're an asshole. Telling them you love them when you know you don't is totes the lesser crime though.
How many times a week do you shave?
Once a day is minimum, if you care what women think of you.
Well. I'm fucked.
Would you dine a girl expensively and not buy her flowers, or economize on the place and bring her at least a gardenia?
Most women would prefer having flowers and less to eat.
Hear that, fatty? Also, how fucking expensive was a gardenia in 1949!?
If your hostess at a dance is obviously having a whirl, do you consider it necessary to dance with her?
You always should, as a matter of good manners.
Fuck that noise. This monkey don't dance.
Do you try to arouse a girl’s interest by boasting of your success with other women?
Don’t ever do this!
"So, there I am, plowing Christina Hendricks and...Hey! Where are you going? Why does that always happen to me? She's probably a lesbian."
Do you consider it a young girl’s own business whether she gets tight and is indiscreet when she’s out with you?
Keep an inexperienced girl from getting tight, if you have to spank her, and don’t let any woman become indiscreet through liquor. Triumphs over drunken women don’t help any man.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to explain to the authorities that you assaulted your date in order to prevent her from being drunkenly "indiscreet"?
If a girl you’re fond of asks you to be nice to her cousin with adenoids and buck teeth do you cut her off your list?
Not pleasant, but if you rally around and give Cousin Belle a whirl, you’ll soon be known as the nicest man in town.
"Adenoids" and "buck teeth" is suspiciously specific. Is there something you would like to get off your chest author?
If you had a quarrel with a girl — in which she is clearly in the wrong — will you wait for her to apologize before calling her up or risk being a door mat and do it first?
Be a door mat — it’s easier for you to call a girl than for her to call you.
Depends. Did the quarrel come about because she was tight? WINK.
